pennylane: the eternal optimist

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

barbs --- queen of neurosis

i've been going out with my ex-colleague eric for a month now...or, as we defined our status last night, we're "dating." so apparently there's a difference between dating & going out. we got into this discussion and though i got more confused than ever, there were some points that were quite enlightening. to sum it up, the gist seems to be you can't date without going out (unless it's cyber dating) but you can go out without dating.

hmmm, interesting. so it's like a step-by-step guide to modern dating...you go out then you date then you see what happens after. now whether you're in the same boat in terms of what you hope to happen afterwards is a totally different story. apparently, he's just in dating mode meaning no plans to have a serious relationship nor a girlfriend in the near (or maybe even not so near) future. the key word for him is companionship, and since he has a lot of stuff going on in his life right now --- work, mba studies, his son --- having a girlfriend in the picture might throw his schedule off balance.

understandable. thing is, shouldn't that be the case with me as well? no time for a boyfriend since my schedule is already loaded as it is with my daughter, work, friends, plus all the other things i want to do. then how come i still find myself wanting a boyfriend when i already have an ideal setup with eric? i mean, isn't this what i wanted, someone i can go out with, do stuff with, without the pressure, without the expectations??? am i acting up because other guys are asking me out & i don't know if it's appropriate for me to date them as well considering i'm already dating someone regularly whom i really like??? but since we're not exclusive, why should i not go out with other guys, why should i limit my options???

i am putting myself again in a dangerous position, taking a big risk knowing that the probabilities of me falling flat on the face & getting my heart ripped, shattered, stamped on are not so unlikely. but then, i think i'm a sadist when it comes to emotional drama...it's as if boo-hoo-hoo is writen all over me and no matter how many times my friends (and even my logical self) tell me that i should just enjoy things, go with the flow & wait & see what happens, i still have to put some dramatic flair to the whole situation.

there's another thing, he hasn't kissed me...no attempts whatsoever. hmmm, you think if he kissed me last night, i'd be acting differently now? then again, leo kissed me during the 2nd date & look where that ended up --- nowhere.

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