pennylane: the eternal optimist

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


eric & i stayed out til 5:00 this morning...talking, talking, talking...about his life, my life, what he likes about me, what i like about him, where we stand. and we agreed on several things --- we like each other, we're having fun, and we like to continue spending more time together. ours is a convenient, obligation-free, label-free setup.

we're definitely more than dating but it's too early to say that we're having a relationship. we haven't totally defined what we are or where this is headed but i'm happy with what we have.

and he said he also is.

do i need a reason by d' sound

today when i saw you
i knew it was just like the first time
when you met my eyes i came close
and i felt like the first time

to hold back my fear and feel you so near
i’ve never been this far before
to hold back my fear and feel you so near
i’m scared of falling into deep this time

do i need a reason to tell you why i’m singing you this song
do i need a reason to show you that i know where i belong
whenever i am weary i lean on this feeling that i have
i am so much stronger now
thankful, yes i am

today i’ll renounce them
the doubts and the fears i’ve been nursing
i’ll fly like a moth to the flame
and i’ll feel like the first time

to hold back my fear and let you come near
i’ve never been this far before
to hold back my fear and let you come near
i’m afraid of losing and still i go

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

paradigm shift

something snapped. i don't know what triggered it --- my whining to several people, their own analysis of my dating karma, my hypothesis with my luck with men...i don't know. but it was somewhere during my morning paperwork & my conversation with a friend that something inside me snapped. and i realized, the reason why i'm emotionally starved is because i say i am, i think i am and i even write that i am.

and i shouldn't be. and i should stop myself from saying it and stop discussing it with my friends. my gawd, i have been working on brand identity & image projection for a couple of years now, and it's disappointing that i don't practice what i preach.

starting today, i will only write about the good stuff. i will write about the positive stuff. i will write about how i want people to see me, and how i feel i should see myself. maybe putting it in writing will actually bring it to reality. i know this is supposed to be an open journal where i could write all my whims & desires & neuroses but maybe the more i acknowledge my weaknesses, the more they exist in my psyche. and the more i ignore them, the less they'll become part of me.

let this be the start of a new me. i already know i'm good, but i know i can be better.

starting today, i am what i write.

barbs --- queen of neurosis

i've been going out with my ex-colleague eric for a month now...or, as we defined our status last night, we're "dating." so apparently there's a difference between dating & going out. we got into this discussion and though i got more confused than ever, there were some points that were quite enlightening. to sum it up, the gist seems to be you can't date without going out (unless it's cyber dating) but you can go out without dating.

hmmm, interesting. so it's like a step-by-step guide to modern go out then you date then you see what happens after. now whether you're in the same boat in terms of what you hope to happen afterwards is a totally different story. apparently, he's just in dating mode meaning no plans to have a serious relationship nor a girlfriend in the near (or maybe even not so near) future. the key word for him is companionship, and since he has a lot of stuff going on in his life right now --- work, mba studies, his son --- having a girlfriend in the picture might throw his schedule off balance.

understandable. thing is, shouldn't that be the case with me as well? no time for a boyfriend since my schedule is already loaded as it is with my daughter, work, friends, plus all the other things i want to do. then how come i still find myself wanting a boyfriend when i already have an ideal setup with eric? i mean, isn't this what i wanted, someone i can go out with, do stuff with, without the pressure, without the expectations??? am i acting up because other guys are asking me out & i don't know if it's appropriate for me to date them as well considering i'm already dating someone regularly whom i really like??? but since we're not exclusive, why should i not go out with other guys, why should i limit my options???

i am putting myself again in a dangerous position, taking a big risk knowing that the probabilities of me falling flat on the face & getting my heart ripped, shattered, stamped on are not so unlikely. but then, i think i'm a sadist when it comes to emotional's as if boo-hoo-hoo is writen all over me and no matter how many times my friends (and even my logical self) tell me that i should just enjoy things, go with the flow & wait & see what happens, i still have to put some dramatic flair to the whole situation.

there's another thing, he hasn't kissed attempts whatsoever. hmmm, you think if he kissed me last night, i'd be acting differently now? then again, leo kissed me during the 2nd date & look where that ended up --- nowhere.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

blast from the past

attended my grade school reunion last weekend...i'm talking about getting together with people i have not seen for the past 17 years. was weird, good weird but weird nevertheless. it was also somewhat embarrassing...particularly since i couldn't remember some of the people who came. was i that anti-social circa 1988 or my memory has just decided to stop processing information after i graduated from college? and to think they remembered who i am...but i still got those "omigawd, you've changed so much!!!" look from my former classmates...if i got it right, the good reaction came from the guys while the girls had their mixed "so-good-to-see-you" and "wasn't-she-that-bulimic-looking-girl" expressions when they saw me.

funny how reunions tend to bring out mixed emotions --- we get nostalgic over how fun and simpler things were that time yet we also cringe at the idea of how stupid we acted & looked like back then, from our hairstyles to our fashion sense to how we treated the people around us, how we fought with the ones we didn't like just because we felt like it & how we clung to our group of friends like they were our ticket to eternal youth & popularity. the good thing about it was we got away with it, we were kids & we thought we were cute.

17 years after, some people are still using that excuse.