pennylane: the eternal optimist

Thursday, June 23, 2005

we will always have paris

tom cruise proposed to katie holmes at the eiffel just sounds too good to be true, straight out of a romantic fairy-tale which i used to obsess about while growing up...that he would appear, my knight-in-shining-armor who would sweep me off my feet and promise me unwavering passion & unconditional love...

then again, i'm no katie holmes.

i look around and see everyone falling in love like it's as simple as buying groceries...celebrities announcing engagements, colleagues getting hitched, family members declaring affection...and i find myself in the middle of all this fanfare...

and i ask myself, do i really want to be part of this mush? am i strong enough to brave the waters of emotional complexities & risk my sanity for another seemingly traumatic relationship? do i really want to go through all this again?

i could always just hibernate and retreat to the woods where i won't be bothered by all these love-struck couples...i could ignore all the smiles, all the flowery words, all the pdas...or better yet, i could convince myself that i'm not really bothered by what's happening around me, that it's all peachy & everyone's just plain dandy...

aw heck, who the f&^* am i kidding anyway...

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

eternal skeptic

i am not in love with leo...i am in love with love. because if i was in love with leo, i wouldn't feel elated with someone else, right?

i had lunch with my ex-colleague eric today and for some reason, while looking at him, something flickered, like those light bulbs you see in cartoon shows...i felt that zsa zsa zsu and realized --- he's not bad, he's not bad at all.

now we go to the ubiquitous universal questions --- do i really like eric? or do i just think i like him? because, lest we forget that just yesterday i said i was in love with leo...thing is, was i even in love with leo, to begin with?

where do we draw the line between being open to other options or just merely settling down? i have never given the possibility of something more with eric that much thought...well probably because it's too early to think so. but knowing me and my overanalytical streak, as early as now, i already rack my brains trying to decipher whether there is even the slightest bit of a chance...i just like thinking ahead to save myself from too much emotional investment and presumptions yet i drive myself nuts doing so.

thing is, i don't think considering eric over leo is settling fact, it may even prove to be more of a practical choice...okay fine, i have been hooked on leo since i was 17 but it's been 13 years of flirtation & mind games after, so maybe its high time i give up and throw in the towel.

and why am i even mentally torturing myself over this...for all we know, eric might not even be interested in me that way...okay he calls me mrs smith but that could just be our own little flirtation game, which i hope, for my sanity's sake, does not drag on for another 13 years until i realize i have had enough.

hmmmm, so i guess we wait again and see what happens huh? do you think my birthday wish would be granted...that i have a boyfriend when i turn 30, which is like less than 2 months from now? yep, we wait and see...

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

dating melancholy

now that i am in another dating slump, i suddenly thought of my old friend/movie buddy/constant date. haven't seen him for almost a year...we had some sort of a falling out, so to speak. thing is, we weren't really dating to begin with. he was just the most accessible guy at that time and vice versa...meaning, we were each other's safe mode, to the movies, for dinner & coffee breaks, for friday night drinking sprees. he would pick me up at home & take me to work, we would have lunch, he was even my birthday "date." we were almost together for 2 straight months but since there wasn't any emotional attachment nor physical intimacy, the setup wasn't complicated, just 2 friends who enjoy each other's company.

i never realized 'til now that i actually experienced such an ideal setup.


and i quote: "seven days is more than enough...if he's really interested in you, he'll call you 3 to 4 days tops."

that goes to show that i am not dating material. there must be some answer as to why i cannot seem to keep guys interested enough to ask me out for a second date. or at least ask me in less than a week and not after 8 months.

it boggles me, i don't understand why i am apparently good at friendship but bad at intimacy...i have so many male friends and they all say the same f&*$%ng thing --- there's nothing wrong with you, you're perfect.

then why can't i seem to get these so-called constant dates that other people are raving about? or at the very least, why can't i just be happy with where i stand right now?

all my questions are starting to make me sick...but i can't stop thinking, i can't stop questioning. and that's what pisses me off the most, that i'm bothered by the fact that i don't have anyone i can call my guy, i don't have that someone i can just ask to have dinner with, to watch a movie with...that i have to wait for my fair-weathered dates to ask me out, most of the time at their convenience and not mine.

who am i kidding??? this dating thing isn't probably cut out for someone like me...and maybe i'm just not the eternal optimist i claim (or hope) to be.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

mr & mrs smith

my date with ex-colleague finally pushed through last night. it caught me by surprise, it actually turned out to be fun. we watched a movie, had dinner & drinks and talked non-stop. we weren't really good friends during that time we were working in the same office and only now have we had that long a conversation. funny how you've known someone for a couple of years already yet you haven't the faintest idea what he could be like apart from his persona at work.

okay, as early as now i should stop myself from falling into that trap again of thinking that one great night would equate into a possible relationship. geez lady, get a grip.

Thursday, June 02, 2005


not all men are scum...just most of the ones that i hook up with. after lamenting over the events of the past few days with my friends last night, i got a strong jolt of reality...i might never be the heroine of a love story. i am no sara thomas or andie anderson, heck i don't think i'm even a bridget jones. it just doesn't seem to work with matter how badly i want it, i just can't seem to be cast in that romantic movie/love story/happy ending i've been wishing for all my life.

cynical? probably. jaded? might be. hopeless? trying not to be.

a vicious cycle, that's what my relationships are. but then again, despite the failed attempts, despite the breakups, despite the disappointments, a little sliver of hope exists deep inside...i may meet him, i may not...but no matter what happens, i still want to leave this earth as an eternal optimist.

something beautiful - robbie williams

you can’t manufacture a miracle
the silence was pitiful, that day
and love is getting too cynical
passion’s just physical, these days

you analyse everyone you meet
but get no sign, the loving kind
every night you admit defeat
and cry yourself blind

if you can’t wake up in the morning
cause your bed lies vacant at night
if you’re lost, hurt, tired or lonely
can’t control it, try as you might

may you find that love that won’t leave you
may you find it by the end of the day
you won’t be lost, hurt, tired and lonely
something beautiful will come your way

the dj said on the radio
life should be stereo, each day
and the past that cast the unsuitable
instead of some kind of beautiful, you just couldn’t wait

all your friends think you’re satisfied
but they can’t see your soul no, no, no
forgot the time feeling petrified, when they lived alone

if you can't wake up in the morning
cause your bed lies vacant at night
if you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely
can't control it, try as you might

may you find that love that won't leave you
may you find it by the end of the day
you won't be lost, hurt, tired and lonely
something beautiful will come your way

and then it just stopped raining

i should have thought it's too good to be true, two invites in one night...i had to drop one of them & the one i had to say yes to turns out to be the wrong one. he cancels at the last minute...what are the odds?

you know how it is when you're so pissed at someone but you can't really do much about it? someone stab me with a knife if i start with my monologue on what is wrong with me, what did i do wrong, yada yada yada, blah blah blah blah blah.

that's it, i'm done.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

when it rains, it pours

an ex-colleague asked me out on a date. we were supposed to watch a movie & have dinner last night but due to work-related matters, he had to cancel. i initially told him i wasn't free thursday night since i usually go out with this guy i'm currently dating thursday or friday --- i didn't tell ex-colleague that reason, of course. anyway, ex-colleague asked me yesterday if my thursday was indeed booked. since current date hasn't said anything about plans this thursday, i assumed my thursday was open. three hours later, current date calls me and asks me if i was free thursday.

last week i was whining over my losing streak with men and now, i get 2 invites in 1 how about that???

suddenly i feel confident, and this is probably the factor that used to draw men to me. come to think of it, maybe the reason why i don't have a guy is because i always make myself available. i don't really have to, i mean they're not going anywhere. made me realize it's time i start changing my relationship style & start taking control.

much as i detest the thought of doing it, i would have to turn down 1 of them tonight. decisions, decisions...