pennylane: the eternal optimist

Friday, April 22, 2005

there's a fine fine line...

it's been weeks and i have not heard from him...everyone keeps saying i should end it formally but it seems i have lost all willpower and energy to do so...why bother??? it's not as if he even bothered to acknowledge my existence anyway...i guess i still hurt, i'm human, who wouldn't be? but there are some things i no control over and there really isn't anything i can do bout it but just move on...

"say good morning to the world, i hope you like it
take good care of all those things that we had,
i've been looking for a way for too long now
seems like everything must come to an end

time after time nothing that i can do
knowing your ways and loving your ways
but not getting through at all

day after day leaving the past behind
coming to terms with stitches and burns
and learning to fly again..."

i love you and i miss you but i have to let you go...let's just move forward as if nothing ever happened.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

you love me but you don't...

i may have found the perfect song for me (and you) right now...


Let Me Go lyrics
3 Doors Down

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me goo...
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I knowww..

When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

drink moderately

my friends found it quite surprising that i haven't been drinking lately, particularly since it's a conscious effort on my part to avoid too many cocktails that cause my emotions to take a nose dive.

i shouldn't be blaming my vodka 7 for my emotional outbursts...i mean, it's only a mere contributor to the whole ordeal, that coupled with stress & abstinence would in most cases drive women nuts...surprisingly i'm still sane, but then again i'm lonely as well.

i had a reunion with my vodka 7 last night via business drinks with my former boss...i didn't really drink much, just came from an intensive run & like i said, i was drinking with my ex-boss...when i got home, that's when it struck me...and after a hiatus from the cocktail scene, the 3 glasses i had took its effect...

the drama queen is back...i woke up this morning & realized what i had done...and after my attempts to slowly detach myself from this painstakingly-complicated long distance relationship i am in, i became emotionally slutty again...

"you know what i don't like about getting drunk, it's that i get to be so emotional..."

"ours is so difficult that i ask myself why i'm still holding on...then i realize it's because of you but i don't know if you're in it as much as me & i get confused..."

"i don't know what else to think anymore...but i do know that something has changed & that you're not the same as you used to...still i love you & i hope we can make this work despite the odds..."

"i don't expect a reply nor do i expect a change of heart...i just want you to know that this is me, this is how i feel & this is where i am right now...take it or leave it."

thank goodness i have a phone that saves my sent items...

Monday, April 04, 2005

only if you listen hard enough...

"let's talk this over, it's not like we're dead
was it something i did? was it something you said?
don't leave me hanging, in a city so dead
held up up so high, on such a breakable thread

you were all the things i thought i knew
and I thought we could be

you were everything, everything that i wanted
we were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
and all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
all this time you were pretending
so much for my happy ending..."

"and i wanna believe you, when you tell me that it'll be ok
and i try to believe you, but i don't
when you say that it's gonna be, it always turns out to be a different way
i try to believe you, not today, today, today, today, today...

i don't know how i'll feel, tomorrow, tomorrow
i don't know what to say, tomorrow, tomorrow
is a different day..."

"this is when i start to bite my nails
and clean my room when all else fails
i think it's time for me to bail
this point of view is getting stale
sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone

he wasn't what i wanted, what i thought, no
he wouldn't even open up the door
he never made me feel like i was special
he isn't really what i'm looking for..."