pennylane: the eternal optimist

Thursday, March 31, 2005

moving forward

i scanned my past blog entries and it struck me how much i have been so, what's the word, poignant over my current relationship with someone...i still understand where my sentiments are coming from but i'm starting to cringe at the amount of stress i am putting on myself by contemplating too much over this...made me realize that i can only offer so much and it will always be a two-way streak...and to expect less does not mean to stop hoping...

i still love him and i would still like to think that he's the closest i have found to an "ideal" mate but i can not (and should not) let the difficulties of our situation drag me down...my friends are right, i'm a good person and if he can't see that for himself, it will never be my loss...he said it himself, we're not getting any younger and it's about time we stay in a relationship with someone who wants us as much as we want them...

i've pretty much laid down my cards with him...it's his call if he wants to do the same thing...besides, i have my own life to live...

Sunday, March 27, 2005

testimonials

i was just reading the testimonials i got from my friends and the ones i wrote as well...it's funny how simple words could make or break your day...there's that warm feeling you get hearing such nice words from the people around you and a warmer feeling by saying nice things to people who have touched your life...

i have this warm feeling right now but i'm still waiting for that one particular testimonial from someone...not really sure why i need it even though i already know how he feels...maybe i need those words not just to touch my heart but for them to be there for all the world to see...

Friday, March 25, 2005

confessions of a middle-aged drama princess

i miss him, terribly...what else can i say??? i do...there's no other way to say it...i miss him so much, it hurts...

but he's right...we can't continue dwelling on these emotions...we can't torture ourselves like this...we both have our own lives to live and we have to move on...

i keep asking myself...if it's so damn difficult, then why am i still here...

Thursday, March 24, 2005

have you ever

when i look back & reflect on the past 8 years i have spent with someone, it makes me wonder...was it because i loved too much that's why i ended up hurt & disappointed? did i put in more than what i was supposed to? was i too naive to see & disregard the warning signals early on in the relationship?

questions, questions, questions...

and i haven't reached 30 yet...maybe i just feel too much...but if my Creator created me this way, it means He has someone out there for me who would understand the depth of my emotions...who would appreciate the love i can unconditionally offer...

have i found that person...or am i to keep on searching???

the questions are still yet to be answered...

so much for my happy ending...

the little things matter...

that kind of affection...

words that mean a lot...

doesn't have to be much...

just knowing that you're there...

and that you're part of my existence...

it's never been easy...

to let someone in my life...

just when i needed it the most...

or the moment just passes you by...

could it be giving too much...

or expecting more than what is supposed to be there...

it's loving someone unconditionally...

and exhausting all the possibilities...

before you realize it may be too late...

maybe i don't need much...

just knowing you're there...

and knowing you're not going anywhere else...

and telling me just how you really feel...

and holding on to what we have...

and being in this as much as i am...

Monday, March 14, 2005

the diary of an eternal optimist

05:30-06:30am
role : traditional mom
tasks : wake up early, prepare breakfast, prepare daughter's lunch & snack bags, act as daughter's hairstylist


06:30-08:00am
role : impeccably-brought up lady
tasks : take a hot bath, exfoliate, scrub, moisturize, formulate acceptable work ensemble, act as own hairstylist


08:00-09:00am
role : metropolis commuter
task : brave the perils of the smoke-congested city trying to secure a decent seat in the shuttle service going to work (i wish my car would start working again...)


09:00am-07:00pm
role : career woman
task : run a building


07:00-08:00pm
role : spiritual being
task : go to mass


08:00-08:30pm
role : single mom
task : buy groceries


08:30-09:00pm
role : cool mom
task : buy hip teen magazines for daughter


09:00-09:30pm
role : fitness freak
task : run for 30 minutes as cardio workout and stress release


09:30-10:00pm
role : metropolis commuter (again)
task : same thing


10:00-10:30pm
role : mom slash friend
task : engage in girl talk, watch teen-inspired shows, engae in more girl talk


10:30-11:30pm
role : twenty-something dudette
task : downtime

Sunday, March 13, 2005

reality bites...hard

scenario 1: just let it die a natural death...

scenario 2: wake up one day and find out it's all over...or realize it wasn't even there to begin with...like they say, you can't really lose what you didn't even have...

Monday, March 07, 2005

hitch(ed)

watched hitch with a friend last weekend...well of course watched it because of will smith, that guy is just to-die-for...hehehe...actually, was supposed to watch constantine but decided at the last minute (seconds before buying our tickets, to be exact) that the war between good & evil wasn't something i want to analyze on a saturday night...i was willing to analyze the bigger complexities the male psyche has to offer...

it was actually a nice movie, hitch that is...nothing spectacular, but very nice...you know that warm feeling you get when you stay home on a rainy day all curled up in a warm blanket sipping hot choco...yep, that one...

but honestly, i think i had more fun prior to the movie...it was weird, the movie theatre was swarming with couples and i didn't feel bad that i wasn't watching the movie on a date...in fact, i was quite glad i was with a gal pal...i was trying to prevent myself from snickering while all the couples passed by us, girl looking for seats boyfriend in tow...i can imagine how painful it must be for guys to endure this ordeal...well okay, painful might be exaggerating so i guess uncomfortable might be a more apt term...but really, name ten guys that would be ecstatic to watch a sappy romantic comedy...that's why they call these films chick flicks in the first place...it was the perfect venue to gab and giggle and sigh at will smith's attempts to become prince charming...

anyway, i think what i found particularly funny was the group of guys sitting in one row enjoying the flick...no girlfriends with them, just guys...well, they didn't look like they were but they probably are...they seemed to have enjoyed will smith as much as my friend and i did. :)

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

ambivalent tranquility for the eternal optimist

if someone has an easier way of dealing with this, then please let me in on the secret...in all honesty, we do try to cope with this, both of us, i mean...but sometimes i can't help but think if we're both on the same boat...it's like tranquility vs apprehension...i may be worrying too much, he may be right in saying that there's nothing to worry about...but how do we put things in perspective when one is too sensitive and the other is just plain dense?

i shouldn't feel bad, right? i mean, i know he's busy and he has a lot of things going on right now...then again, i'm busy as well...i'm confused actually...i don't want to appear too demanding and the last thing i would want is to drive him away...but where are we really? where do i draw the line?

i'm torn, between being the level-headed, broad-minded, sensible woman that i am and the sentimental, emotional, lonely girl that is also inside me... i'm torn between self-preservation and letting myself go...i'm at this point wherein i can love someone again unconditonally but i'm not sure if it's a smart thing to do and thus, i would need to protect myself in the process...

the distance seems to be the biggest obstacle right now...and it's hard to clearly define a relationship when the people in it are too far apart...but some make ends meet...maybe we could, if we put in the same amount of effort...

but the thing is, we're looking at this relationship quite differently...he prefers not to involve himself too much for fear of being more emotionally tortured than we already are...i am constantly seeking for reassurance through consistent correspondence since it's the only thing we have...

where do we go from here? i agree with him that we should take things as they come, one step at a time...but we should also know, or at least have an idea, if this has the potential to go somewhere...i know we're both on the same level with this one, but the way we're treating the matter is just too diverse...i don't want to pressure him but i don't want to sell myself short either...he said it himself, if things are meant to be then they're meant to be...but we shouldn't leave everything to fate and it's still up to us to make our own destiny...

i know he loves me...and i know he knows i love him...but sometimes love just isn't enough...particularly when you're a thousand miles apart...

someone told me, if your man loves you enough he'll go home...because you are worth coming home to...

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

chick flick

was trying to get myself to sleep last night but since my mind wasn't cooperating, decided to just channel surf 'til my fingers hurt and my eyes sign off...but in the midst of checking out the boob tube, i ended up watching movies on cable instead, not one but two...two chick flicks, to be exact.

one was sarah michelle gellar and that cute guy from powder, whatshisname??!!! anyway, i just caught the last few scenes so i didn't pay much attention to the plot and just tortured myself watching them give each other sappy lovestruck stares and kiss while dancing and floating...yes floating...how cheesy can you get? last time i saw someone float on tv was when david blaine shocked people with his street levitation.

anyway, after that buffy/powder episode, the other channel decided to air one of the ultimate chick flicks in history: sleepless in seattle...i mean, don't get me wrong, i love this movie...but it was 2 in the morning, my family is driving me nuts and my boyfriend has been in-and-out lately so i wasn't really able to appreciate the heart-shaped lights that formed on the empire state building while meg ryan contemplated on whether to marry bill pullman or take chances with tom hanks...well despite my crankiness, i still finished the movie.

so how did i fall asleep? i think it was somewhere between channel surfing, hoping not to run into another chick flick (or subconsciously, that i actually do) and doing my own contemplating over my own chick flick...like how i also long for that sappy lovestruck stares and dancing and floating and declarations of love from the guy i have chosen to give my heart to...that we may not be physically together but maybe we can compensate for it by shouting out to the rooftops and letting the world know how we found each other and all that...ok, maybe i'm pushing it...and i think at this time, i drifted off to sleep...