pennylane: the eternal optimist

Thursday, November 25, 2004

taking the plunge

"i know it's a cornball thing, but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without...if you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? i say fall head over heels...find someone you love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back...and how do you find him? forget your head and listen to your heart...run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. because the truth is, there is no sense living your life without this...to make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. you have to try...because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived...stay open. who knows? lightning could strike." --- meet joe black


they say life is full of uncalculated scenarios, that no matter how well we plan our lives, we still have to take certain risks, particularly when it comes to matters of the heart. then someone told me that risks can actually be mitigated. true...and this is what sustain rational people and what keeps them intact and in control of their lives.

but then we ask ourselves...where do we draw the line? are we just trying to lessen the risks and avoid getting hurt in the process or are we already missing out on the possibility of finding true happiness by holding ourselves back?

of course we all would like to know what's going to happen to us 5,10,15 years from now. that's why we have those things-i-have-to-do-before-i-turn-30 lists, right? :) and as we grow older, the idea of taking on certain risks just does not have the same appeal to us anymore.

it's a not a bad thing, in fact it's quite logical...look at me, i've spent the past 8-9 years of my life planning everything that i have to do, from what to wear the next day to how i see myself in the next 10 years...and i have to do that, with my daughter and all. but somewhere along this journey, i realized that you can't really plan everything..and there are indeed certain areas in life where you do plunge rather than waddle near the shore...and sometimes by being too calculated, though you don't risk getting hurt, you lose out on several opportunities, possibilities...

over the years i have learned and experienced that when it comes to love and relationships, you don't just gamble on others, you also gamble on yourself...and that no matter how hard you try, the risk of getting hurt is still bigger than the assurance that it's going to be happily-ever-after.

i guess the reason why i tend to overanalyze this is because with what i have been through, i can't help thinking who would take a risk with someone like me...i would like to think that i have a lot to offer but reality starts to sink in and it hits me...am i worth the gamble for?

i keep hearing leonardo and kate say "you jump, i jump"... then i realized that as much as i am cynical, the hopeless incurable romantic in me still refuses to shut up...and then again, maybe there is that bit of incurable romanticism beneath all that cynicism...not just in me but in all of us.


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

despite time and distance...

i love you...i've already told you this but i wish there was some way i could show you, some way i could prove to you how much i do...it's intense, i don't know what else to say...and it hurts that we can't be together right now...that i can't tell you how much...

i love you...i don't even know why...

Thursday, November 11, 2004

my notebook

"poets often describe love as an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. that's what it was like for me. i didn't plan on falling in love with you, and i doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. but once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. we fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. for me, love like that has happened only once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. i'll never forget a single moment of it."

it was the most inexplicable three weeks of my life --- unplanned, unexpected, uninhibited. we were two different souls, two people minding our own business, running our own lives. we had to meet at a time when it was close to impossible to start something, most particularly a relationship...he was to leave the country in three weeks, i was just getting out of a failed relationship. we didn't realize what we were getting into, we were caught off guard. before we knew it, we had made an impact on each other's lives.

"the reason why it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. maybe they always have been and will be. maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other. and maybe each time, we've been forced apart for the same reasons. that means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.

when i look at you, i see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you haved lived. and i know i have spent every life before this one searching for you. not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. and then. for a reason neither of us understands, we've been forced to say goodbye."

we always try to convince ourselves that things happen for a reason and while we know this, it still is not easy for us to accept it. like i said, he had to leave in three weeks and even though we both know that his plans were not going to change, it was still hard, that last time we had to see each other. we said goodbye, not knowing whether we will still get to see each other again.

"i would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and i promise to do all i can to make sure it does. but if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, i know we will see each other again in another life. we will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we've had before."

when i got that message from someone asking me if i still remember those three weeks we spent together, i knew that our chapter still has not ended. it probably wasn't the most ideal setup, it wasn't the easiest way to begin a relationship, and definitely not the best way to sustain one, but we thought of giving it a shot. what are the odds against us, apart from being a thousand miles apart? we were willing to find out and it's a risk both of us are willing to take.

"quite simply, i had fallen in love again. i knew that now as we sat next to each other. fallen in love with a new allie, not just a memory. but then, i had never really stopped, and this, i realized, was my destiny."


Wednesday, November 10, 2004

no closing doors

"love is a commitment of the heart that will stand the test of wavering emotions, intellectual rationalizing, circumstantial allure, hormonal infatuation, and even the wounds of your lover...anything less is not true love."

i got this quote via email, i think it's from a paulo coelho book or something ( i may be wrong though)...anyway, it seems to be the most coherent definition of love i have ever encountered. the definition of love in 1 corinthians chapter 12 is still the most eloquent, but the above quote just says it clear, plain and simple.

it's funny how the definition of love, how we personally describe it at least, has evolved over the years...remember the time in grade school and high school where we would answer each other's autograph books and be boggled with the hardest question of all --- what is love? and we would come up with such extreme answers, from the most mundane to the really bizarre.

"love is blind"
"love is love"
"love is like a rosary, full of mysteries"
"love is something painful that you experience over and over again"

and the classic (well, at least my high school batch thought so) --- "love is an injection in the mere section without any objection"

it's ironic how something so simply defined can be such a complex emotion...but then again, that's what love does to most of us --- it raises questions, it turns us to mush, it complicates the uncomplicated. but in the end, it surpasses all complexities and settles down.

i told this to someone very special : "we go through life aiming & planning for what we want, expecting a couple of surprises along the way...but rarely do we encounter people who appear in our lives only for a brief moment yet create an impact so great that it's beyond logic, beyond comprehension...things happen for a reason & we might end up questioning some of it for a long time...i guess what's important is that people agree that doors shouldn't be closed & that eventually things fall into place, regardless & relentless..."