pennylane: the eternal optimist

Thursday, July 22, 2004

an ode to the hypothalamus

date: 22 july 2004
time: 4 in the afternoon
weather: hot and humid
mood: dazed and confused

i have been known to be stubborn. it's something i'm hardly ever proud of but something i can never contest. because i really am, stubborn that is. it has been in my nature to want something so bad and go after it, consequences and all. and most of the time, i end up defeated. or in this case, broken-hearted.

case in point, my inexplicable emotional state at the age of 28. i have yet to find out what originated all this. i may be the type of person who gets attracted to people quite easily but never, in my 28 years of existence have i felt this way for someone so fast, so soon. it has never been this reckless before...until now, with this guy. and i haven't even started out on the whys, i.e. why do i like him, why do i find him stunning, why am i so smitten, why am i so affected, yada yada yada.

i was about to say i have come to the conclusion that it's all over, but the thing is, the stubborn streak in me refuses to quit. it's almost like a battle that i have to fight til the end. gawd, that sounds scary. maybe it's the "charlotte york" in me talking, maybe my hypothalamus, but definitely not the logical part of my brain. then again, maybe i should just give it up. i could continue my quest on being the eternal optimist but deep down, it gets tiring in the end. i may loathe the words "maybe it's just not meant to be" right now but it seems to be the harsh and brutal truth.

and the truth keeps showing itself inside my head...it's just not going to work. the ending to my short-lived fairy tale. where happy endings don't really exist. or do they??? i guess in time, i'll learn. and besides, tomorrow's another day. i know i'll survive.

for the meantime though, i honestly don't know how to react. and i ask my friends to give me the next few days to mope and wallow in self-questioning....with questions i may not know the answers to. right now, i just know i'm poignant beyond reason.