pennylane: the eternal optimist

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

i robot, me robot

my friend has been reprimanding me for not publishing a blog the past few days. give me a break dear, i just started with this new job, i've barely settled in and now, after a week since i started, my in-tray already looks like an archaelogical site.

so this is how my adulthood's going to be...mechanical. alarm at 4:30am, give one's self that extra 30 minutes to internally debate if there is an existing law somewhere that states it is inhumane to wake up at such an ungodly hour every single day...finally decide to get self out of bed and into the shower...dress up, fix stuff, go to work...spend 10 hours every day in the office...go home...watch tv...sleep...alarm at 4:30am, give one's self...okay okay, i'm sure you get the picture.

i shouldn't really complain...i'm working and, considering the state of our economy, i am in fact in a grateful position...i guess it's just that i have fallen into a routine and that i view my existence as shallow...there seems to be a void and the passion for life has somehow faded.

some of my friends say it's probably because i work too much...that i analyze my failed relationships too much...that i have ended up jaded and cynical...that i am on my way to tread the path of indifference...that i should give myself a chance and eventually, i would find the passion i have always longed for.

i say maybe love and relationships are just overrated.

but really, that's a scary thought...to go through life without any emotion, any spontaneity, any passion. now i ask myself...that passion, can it be found only in relationships??? do you really have to be in a relationship with someone to experience passion and spontaneity? whatever happened to the joy of solitude?

i guess, no matter how people like me claim how overrrated love and relationships are, we still wish that we don't fall into a mechanical state of living...

it's a good thing my daughter reminds me that my heart isn't exactly made of microchips.

Friday, June 18, 2004

corporate existence

i have never been a big advocate of change. well okay, once in a while i get tired of the same old same old and do crave changes...particularly changing my pc wallpaper from a shirtless orlando bloom pic to a wet and wild colin farrell pinup...but never really major ones. i'm the type to mull and toss and turn and mull before jumping into something new or something i haven't tried before. and this year, i have made some particularly big changes in my life. no, big isn't exactly the word...i'm thinking more of gargantuan.

ok, before my friends start hissing at me and calling me a major drama queen (excuse me dear, the term is "princess") let me warn you that this is a three-part series on the gargantuan changes i have recently made. i'll bore you to death if i brawl on and on about so much in one entry.

anyway, let me start with the most recent acquisition...or should the term be "faux pas?" i got myself a new job...swell. in case you don't detect the tone of bliss in my manuscript...let's just say i'm waiting for the stork to deliver it in three weeks. seriously, i have been asking myself, why am i not happy? it's not like someone pointed a gun in my head to accept this offer, right? i made this decision on my own and so i should be happy about it.

and i'm not. i don't really know...is it the people? i'm not being fair, it's barely been a week. is it the workload? i suppose i could actually learn this stuff and maybe even be good at it in the process...or is it the office, and the fact that i am stuck working in a basement office with no pantry, no microwave, not enough space? am i that impressionable to let trivial matters affect me so much???

geez, i miss my window with the sunset view...