pennylane: the eternal optimist

Saturday, July 08, 2006

letting go

we haven't talked, for months i think. and considering it's been 3 years since we last saw each other, it always amazes me how profound an effect he still has on me everytime we do get to communicate. i told him how i'm handling things now, what major decisions i have done the past months and how it has changed my life. he understands, i know he will. and he's happy for me. he's fine as well, with how things are going for him, for them. and again, we agreed...that this is how things should be between us. it still hurts, knowing you can never have that person you love. that despite loving each other & being there for each other & dreaming of a life together...that despite trying to conquer all odds, it still is never meant to be.

"thank you for being who you are in my life...now we both know where we are and where we should be...i know we'll both treasure what we had...and that we will always be here for each other no matter what...

who knows...maybe during our next life, we'll finally be together...for now, we'll just hold that memory in our hearts..."

Saturday, September 03, 2005

hibernation

i miss boracay...i miss spending each day as if nothing could go wrong...i miss the feeling of just enjoying what we have and appreciating the beauty God has created...no complexities, no financial worries, no hassles, no stress...it's as if your problems are not even there...it's as if the serenity and peace you are experiencing could go on forever...it's as if life is, indeed, truly beautiful...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

i give in

somebody walked into my life and he's right on time
somebody looked into my eyes and he read my mind
and it's true, i only need to tell you that it's you
you're everything i ever dreamed would come to me
somebody walked into my heart and to my surprise
somebody's tearing me apart and it feels just fine
and it's you, i've waited oh so long to say it's you
you're everything i ever dreamed
and tonight i give in to the feelings
tonight i give in to the thrill of loving you
tonight i give in to believing
i'll hear you say, you'll always stay
somebody turned my life around and i'm not the same
suddenly i don't hear a sound, only your name
and i really need you
tonight i give in to the feelings
tonight i give in to the thrill of loving you
tonight i give in to believing
we'll always stay in love this way
tonight i give in to the feelings
tonight i give in to them all to hold me
tonight i give in to believing darling
you're everything i ever dreamed would come to me
to me
somebody walked into my love

Friday, August 26, 2005

opening the dreaded x-files

"what you don't know won't kill you..."

they say communication is one of the most important factors in a relationship...and the more open you are with each other, the more you are able to understand your faults, your whims, your weaknesses. but then again, you can't help feeling a little wary when certain sensitive issues are opened up....

...like past loves, past flings, past relationships.

one shouldn't really be affected though...that's why it's called past in the first place. but one would also be hypocritical to say that there isn't that little bit of sting there...and you're torn, between wanting to find out more about it and not wanting to hear it while your right membrane works its magic, visualizing how they looked like.

this is one of those times i detest being born a woman...

i guess it's in a woman's psyche...no matter how hard she tries to convince herself that there's nothing to worry about...she still manages to come up with all sorts of ridiculous scenarios that end up not just ruining her day but driving her off the wall for the rest of the weekend.

i so need vodka right now...

Thursday, August 25, 2005

30 going on 3

i turned 30...and there's no turning back. it's not a big deal for some but for me it's quite something. not just because i have managed to stay sane for the past 30 years of my existence but because another chapter has started...a new story is about to unfold.

so what have i learned about myself & life in general while i roamed the streets of this earth the past 30 years...

  • i know what i want & i know how to get most of it, though there are times i question my motives...in the end, the objective becomes trivial when the possible results start flashing through your mind...that's when you're transported back to the time you were a terrible 3-year old --- I WANT, I WANT, I WANT!!!

  • you may be born thin, you may go through your adolescent years looking like a traumatized poster girl for anorexia (even though you're not), but when you reach your mid-20s, the weighing scale becomes one of your worst enemies & those cream puffs you always see have decided not to touch base with you anymore

  • i have been going through life thinking i have the power to change everything, particularly those that i feel strongly for...it took me more than a couple of years to realize that some things --- no matter how noble your cause may be --- just won't budge

  • most of the major decisions i have done in the past are results of emotional starvation...in time, i learned how to condition myself not to be too emotionally dependent on others; if there is one thing i have learned the hard way is that no matter how much i give, in the end i would only have my Creator & myself to run to

  • money, they say, is the root of all evil...it is also one of the reasons people go coo-coo, present company included. i never thought earning those nasty little suckers could be so freaking difficult. remember those good old days when we just ask our parents for a bit of allowance here, a little amount of shopping money there...now that i am a parent, i have gone to realize that though shopping may not be a vicious act, hearing it at 5am while you have barely gotten 2 hours of sleep can result to chaos

  • love is a decision, not some emotional state that magically creeps into your system where you wake up one day & it just happens to be there...you decide to love, it's something you control & not the other way around

  • relationships are f&*%$ng hard work; true, i did get my birthday wish (yep, i turned 30 with a boyfriend in the picture) but you know what they always say --- be careful what you wish for...

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

label-free

eric & i stayed out til 5:00 this morning...talking, talking, talking...about his life, my life, what he likes about me, what i like about him, where we stand. and we agreed on several things --- we like each other, we're having fun, and we like to continue spending more time together. ours is a convenient, obligation-free, label-free setup.

we're definitely more than dating but it's too early to say that we're having a relationship. we haven't totally defined what we are or where this is headed but i'm happy with what we have.

and he said he also is.


do i need a reason by d' sound

today when i saw you
i knew it was just like the first time
when you met my eyes i came close
and i felt like the first time

to hold back my fear and feel you so near
i’ve never been this far before
to hold back my fear and feel you so near
i’m scared of falling into deep this time

do i need a reason to tell you why i’m singing you this song
do i need a reason to show you that i know where i belong
whenever i am weary i lean on this feeling that i have
i am so much stronger now
thankful, yes i am

today i’ll renounce them
the doubts and the fears i’ve been nursing
i’ll fly like a moth to the flame
and i’ll feel like the first time

to hold back my fear and let you come near
i’ve never been this far before
to hold back my fear and let you come near
i’m afraid of losing and still i go

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

paradigm shift

something snapped. i don't know what triggered it --- my whining to several people, their own analysis of my dating karma, my hypothesis with my luck with men...i don't know. but it was somewhere during my morning paperwork & my conversation with a friend that something inside me snapped. and i realized, the reason why i'm emotionally starved is because i say i am, i think i am and i even write that i am.

and i shouldn't be. and i should stop myself from saying it and stop discussing it with my friends. my gawd, i have been working on brand identity & image projection for a couple of years now, and it's disappointing that i don't practice what i preach.

starting today, i will only write about the good stuff. i will write about the positive stuff. i will write about how i want people to see me, and how i feel i should see myself. maybe putting it in writing will actually bring it to reality. i know this is supposed to be an open journal where i could write all my whims & desires & neuroses but maybe the more i acknowledge my weaknesses, the more they exist in my psyche. and the more i ignore them, the less they'll become part of me.

let this be the start of a new me. i already know i'm good, but i know i can be better.

starting today, i am what i write.

barbs --- queen of neurosis

i've been going out with my ex-colleague eric for a month now...or, as we defined our status last night, we're "dating." so apparently there's a difference between dating & going out. we got into this discussion and though i got more confused than ever, there were some points that were quite enlightening. to sum it up, the gist seems to be you can't date without going out (unless it's cyber dating) but you can go out without dating.

hmmm, interesting. so it's like a step-by-step guide to modern dating...you go out then you date then you see what happens after. now whether you're in the same boat in terms of what you hope to happen afterwards is a totally different story. apparently, he's just in dating mode meaning no plans to have a serious relationship nor a girlfriend in the near (or maybe even not so near) future. the key word for him is companionship, and since he has a lot of stuff going on in his life right now --- work, mba studies, his son --- having a girlfriend in the picture might throw his schedule off balance.

understandable. thing is, shouldn't that be the case with me as well? no time for a boyfriend since my schedule is already loaded as it is with my daughter, work, friends, plus all the other things i want to do. then how come i still find myself wanting a boyfriend when i already have an ideal setup with eric? i mean, isn't this what i wanted, someone i can go out with, do stuff with, without the pressure, without the expectations??? am i acting up because other guys are asking me out & i don't know if it's appropriate for me to date them as well considering i'm already dating someone regularly whom i really like??? but since we're not exclusive, why should i not go out with other guys, why should i limit my options???

i am putting myself again in a dangerous position, taking a big risk knowing that the probabilities of me falling flat on the face & getting my heart ripped, shattered, stamped on are not so unlikely. but then, i think i'm a sadist when it comes to emotional drama...it's as if boo-hoo-hoo is writen all over me and no matter how many times my friends (and even my logical self) tell me that i should just enjoy things, go with the flow & wait & see what happens, i still have to put some dramatic flair to the whole situation.

there's another thing, he hasn't kissed me...no attempts whatsoever. hmmm, you think if he kissed me last night, i'd be acting differently now? then again, leo kissed me during the 2nd date & look where that ended up --- nowhere.